Cycles of the Moon
by Shun'u
Summary: [AU:Alternate Pairing] In the end, life is bittersweet for the cast of Inuyasha. This is the story of how the choices one makes for love may not be the wisest in the end.
1. Inuyasha

Title:            Cycles of the Moon

Author:         Shun'u [Author ID: 61008]

Series:          Inuyasha

Genre:          Angst/AU

Rating:          PG

Pairing:         Umm… guess. ^_^;

DISCLAIMER:  All Inuyasha characters are the creation of, and © to Rumiko Takahashi, and subsequent parties. "Cycles of the Moon" is the creation of my demented mind, and © to Shun'u Hanashiro 2000-2002.

Spoilers:        None – only thing is this is an AU of my AU… Oro~! That sounds very weird but it's true. I was exploring a "what if?" situation which is outside the bounds of my original story line. This probably fits somewhere in with my other stories… I just have to figure out where exactly. ^^;

OCTOBER 2002 (Edited Version) 

**C Y C L E S • O F • T H E • M O O N**

An Inuyasha Fanfiction 

By Shun'u Hanashiro

Part I: Inuyasha 

She found him sitting beneath a blanket of iridescent lights. Face upturned to the heavens; arms folded across bent knees. The night embraced him in welcoming arms, recognizing the kindred darkness within his being that had not been there in his youth.

"Where have you been?"

Their annual ritual always began with the same question. It was worded in many ways, sometimes flowered with euphemisms, sometimes bluntly direct, but still always asking the same question beneath all of the shifting words.

She sat with human gracelessness. "Walking," she said.

Silence resumed. She didn't know why, but a long forgotten melody came to mind in that perfect stillness. Maybe it was the nostalgia that this particular night always brought forth in her. Or maybe it was just whimsy. For whatever reason, she measured each passing second using the simple cadence of a childhood rhyme.

Tick.

Tock.

Tick.

To-

"Who were you walking with?"

So blunt. Other than for their opening ritual, he had never been one to skirt around sensitive issues, had never quite accomplished the social skills of evasion and prevarication. That was part of his charm.

"I was alone," she said.

Just as blunt. Daring him to contest the verity of her statement. She ran her palms against cool evening grass. Carefully trimmed nails caught on a weed and unearthed it.

'Throw it away,' something told her.

'Crush it,' said another, more merciful voice. 'Don't just abandon it.'

'Return it to the earth,' ordered the gentlest voice. 'Let it live another day.'

She closed her ears to them. Such a blatant lie, that last. The weed would die come morning, exposure to the elements having already begun to take its toll on fragile leaves and thin crumpled roots. It had been uprooted, and there would be no returning to the way it was. Poor little weed.

"Did you enjoy your walk… alone?" he asked.

"Yes," she said. "Very much so. Nights like this, I can see the stars so clearly." She plucked a flower still too young to bloom. It seemed to be a night for killing.

"There's no moon to pollute the darkness," he said. Wide, old eyes set in a young face turned to her. "Are you all right?"

A seemingly simple question could be so loaded with meaning. The flower was flung into the dark.

"Yes. Why wouldn't I be?" she said. She felt his shrug through the distance that separated them as if their shoulders were touching, and they were side by side instead of mile-long feet apart.

"I don't know." Emotion vibrated in the air. He was angry but not violent yet. "You never talk to me anymore. Never stop to visit."

So sad, she thought, so lonely – not really angry at all although the violence always lurked in the background, threatening to explode.

"That's not true. We're talking now, aren't we?" she asked. "I'm visiting now."

He ignored the last. "What are we talking about?"

She was surprised into a laugh. That seemed to be the only way her laughter came with him nowadays. Salty tears pooled, followed by clouding vision and stinging eyes. No matter, there was nothing to see but unreachable stars anyhow. No point in teasing herself with the impossible. Dreams had been discarded with the shedding of adolescent coltishness in favor of more attainable realities.

"I don't know anymore," she said truthfully.

The night was warm. Earth having jealously hoarded the sun's energy all summer long, storing it for white winter nights the way a miser hid his riches for death. A glimmer of her old youthful playfulness returned. She stretched her arm across the distance, reached for him with beckoning fingers – the same that had brushed away his tears in a not so distant past; the same that had ripped out his heart in cruel abandonment.

"What?" He was confused by her smile.

"Come with me," she said. A secret, mischievous grin graced her lips.

"Where?" Distrust and embittering time widened the gap between them.

"Does it matter?" she asked.

"No… I guess not," he said.

He stood on his own. She lost a little of her smile, but gave nothing away of what she felt. She was an old hand at wearing masks where he was concerned. She led the way. Waiting for him when he would dawdle and doubt.

"Come on, it isn't very far."

"You still haven't told me where we're going," he said.

"You'll see," she promised. "Just don't fall behind."

He felt his way through jutting tree roots, newly cautious of tripping hazards once overlooked. She led him on a meandering path, her night vision having become better than his through the years. Over stone and under trees, they made their way deeper and deeper into the enchanted woods once called his home.

"Where are we going?"

She sidestepped a true answer. "Why do you keep asking?"

"Why are you being so mysterious all of a sudden?" He thought carefully. "This isn't like you."

"And you know me that well?" Irritation laced her words, caused her brow to crease, and lips to downturn. She paused in her trek to wait for him. He looked away from her beauty and fidgeted with a well-knotted tie.

"No." He forced the scowl to leave his face along with the burning blush. "I guess I never knew you at all." He avoided her too observant gaze, and said, "At one time I would have wagered my life that I understood you... but not now. You've changed."

He let the accusation hang in the air, tired of tiptoeing around her. She smiled a small, hurt, bittersweet smile. She was tired too. They had been playing this game for too long.

"You're right," she said. "I have changed." She sat on a root by the Old God Tree. They had reached their destination. "I'm not so… gullible anymore."

"Don't you mean innocent?"

Pale eyes hardened. "No. I meant exactly what I said."

His bark of laughter was harsh, caustic to the ears. He sat, but not too near. Neither had come close to approaching the great gulf that divided them. Discomfort had become comfortable in its security.

She said suddenly, "You don't understand me at all, do you? You sit there and point your finger at me, accuse me of lying and betrayal, but you don't have any idea of what I went through for you."

"I was there, wasn't I?" He faced her with glittering eyes. "I was there the whole time. Every moment." His voice cracked. "But you didn't see me, all you saw was him."

"Him? You say that as if you and he were different people. When will you admit that you're one and the same? You were never-"

He cut her off. "When will you see me?"

"I see you," she whispered. "I see too much. I see a man at odds with himself. So much so that he separated his being into two entities and played God to decide which one should live and which should die. I see half of a soul."

"Do you really? " He asked quietly. "Do you see half of a soul? Or is that what you say to yourself at night to take away your guilt?"

She wanted to weep; she wanted to scream. She slapped him with enough force to snap his head to the side and leave a red handprint on his cheek. They had not been so far apart after all. A rushing sound came to her ears, drowning out all else into deafening silence.

She said, "I wasn't supposed to be here, to live in this place and time. My life was supposed to be straightforward. Go to school; obey my mother; take care of my brother; maybe have a career; meet a nice boy; get married; have children. Those were the things that I was raised to do. Not this. Never this."

Unhappiness forced her to curl up into a tight ball of pain. She rocked back and forth in the shadows as he watched with equal pain and misery. The years had been kind to him, leaving him youthful despite his humanity, but nothing could bring back the innocence in those eyes.

"Day after day, facing danger. Constantly having to watch my back because if I didn't something out of my nightmares would come and eat me alive." She punched the ground repeatedly. "And for what?" she asked. "For some jewel that only brought heartache and pain to its possessor. Stupid."

Her laugh was forced, brittle. Unwittingly, he reached out to her, then let his hand drop boneless to his side. A bridge of tears formed between the two.

"I'm sorry."

Their hands found each other and clasped in the dark.

"I never meant to hurt you, to cause you heartache." Clouds raced across the sky, dimming the night. Granting them temporary privacy from winking stars and creating that utter darkness that encouraged the confession of long nourished secrets. "I'm clumsy, oafish, too coarse. Never knowing what to say, or when to say it, I stumble about like a blind man." He pressed her hand against his cheek, pressed a kiss into a palm callused by bow and arrow. "And I hurt you many, many times."

There was no denying that. She had shed bloody tears for him, because of him. They sat in brooding silence for a long while before he gathered the courage to speak again.

"I am blind, you know."

"What?"

She shied away. This was not a part of the script. Year after year they met on this night, on the anniversary of their estrangement – the night when he became human for eternity. Repetition had aided in the development of a pattern in their dialogue. And now he broke the mold with this news.

"I can't see anymore."

She waved a hand in front of him. "You're tracking motion fine. What are you talking about?"

A little bit of exasperation was in her voice. It reminded him of days gone by when she would tell him boldly that he was being an idiot instead of dancing in circles to get to the point. Back then he hadn't appreciated her almost brutal honesty.

"Do you think that you're the only one to have been hurt?" he said in a flat, even tone that was completely unlike him. "I've lost too. These eyes work, but they can't see with the acuity that they used to. These ears are normal, but I can't even hear a burglar sneaking up on me unless he was to pound on the door to be let in. And I might as well not have a nose for all the good it does me. Just because you can't see what I've lost, doesn't mean that I haven't suffered for my humanity."

"I'm sorry."

It was a night for apologies.

"I never knew."

"Neither did I, until it was too late."

They fell into a comfortable pause. It was almost a return to days when they would travel together with long lost companions on a quest for a jewel. In those times everything had been seen through rose-tinted glasses, and anything had been possible.

"Why?" She finally asked.

He mulled it over. Then said, "Because I thought that was what you wanted. I thought… that if I were human, then you would love me more. That if I wasn't some monster then you would stay here with me and we could be happy and raise a family. Maybe have four kids and a house with a yard. Foolish, isn't it? I had the same dreams that you did. I didn't know that you loved the monster."

"I-" She didn't know what to say to ease the heartache. His accusation was true. But it wasn't the only truth. "I loved you."

"Then why didn't you stay with me?"

"Because… I… I loved everything about you," she confessed. "There wasn't anything about you that I didn't love. Don't you see?"

"What should I see?" He was angry.

"You shouldn't have changed for me. I loved you the way you were, not for what you could have been."

"Is being human so terrible?" He asked.

"No," she said. "Not so terrible."

They sat there together to reflect on revelations that came too late.

"Were you really alone?" he finally asked in a voice almost normal again.

"You know the answer to that," she reproached him.

"I want to hear you say it," he said.

"No, I wasn't." She was uncomfortable, and tried to explain away the inexplicable. "He worries. About you… and me."

"More about you, I think," he said softly.

Dew gathered on the grass and whisked away the smell of dying summer.

Afterwards, he asked, "Will you be returning to him now?"

"Yes," she said. "I have to."

He grabbed her arm as she rose. "Before you go. Can I ask you a question?"

She nodded a little hesitantly; wary of his loaded questions with answers too complicated for mere words.

"Why?" He held her there with the power of his violet eyes. "Why him?"

She sat back down, floored by the question that he had never dared to ask before. They sat there together, throughout the night of the new moon. And as the dusk began to encroach upon the hours of darkness, chasing them away with its rays of light, Kagome answered him with a little bit of the truth – the part that he wanted to hear. It was the only kindness that she could do for him; to say that once upon a time, they had shared an equal love.

"Because he retains everything of what you used to be."

A haunted expression was etched into Inuyasha's features as he watched her progress. His whisper followed Kagome's footsteps with a measure of the truth as he saw it.

"It's because you love him."

Author's Notes:

Ano… twiddles thumbs I have no excuses. . Please don't kill me. ^_~

Now for some explanations… I was experimenting in this fic. Can you tell? I've only done one other angst-type story, and that is a Rurouni Kenshin fanfic and still incomplete (and on the backburner). This one takes place well after the events in Full Circle – I'm talking years down the road.

If the perspective is obscure, that's because it's intended to be that way. The first references to "him" aren't about Sesshoumaru at all, but rather about Inuyasha as a hanyou (i.e., half-demon). It isn't until the very end that Inuyasha and Kagome talk about Sesshoumaru. The entire story is actually just a discussion that an older (and not necessarily wiser) Kagome and Inuyasha have about their relationship after they've long since ceased their adventures.

The times that they say, "I'm sorry," it's supposed to be unclear as to who is speaking because it can be either of them or both of them.

Hmm… I'm not sure if this story works. But heck, it was worth a shot. Please review or email to let me know what you think, ok? ^_^ I don't usually beg for reviews – figure everyone's mature enough that they don't have to be reminded or threatened with bludgeoning *cough* – but in this case it'd be really nice to get input because of the different style.

Ah well. This was one of my takes on the possible consequence of using the jewel. As for the title... notice how they've returned to where they met? You could say that they've come full circle again (^_~): completed a cycle and achieved closure.

Shun'u


	2. Sesshoumaru

Title:   Cycles of the Moon

Author:  Shun'u [ID: 61008]

Series:  Inuyasha

Genre:   Angst/AU

Rating:  PG

Pairing: Umm… guess. ^_^

DISCLAIMER: All Inuyasha characters are the creation of, and © to Rumiko Takahashi, and subsequent parties. "Cycles of the Moon" is the creation of my demented mind, and © to Shun'u Hanashiro 2000-2002.

Author's Note: A/U. This is a continuation of my "What if?" scenario. For those of you who have read "Cycles of the Moon" in its original form (which is now "Cycles of the Moon – Part I: Inuyasha"), you might want to read that part again for continuity's sake. Don't know what drove me to make a second part to this, but… here it is. Let me know what you think by dropping a review.

**OCTOBER 2002**

**C Y C L E S • O F • T H E • M O O N**

An Inuyasha Fanfiction 

By Shun'u Hanashiro

Excerpt from Part I "Before you go. Can I ask you a question?" 

_She nodded a little hesitantly; wary of his loaded questions with answers too complicated for mere words._

_"Why?" He held her there with the power of his violet eyes. "Why him?"_

_She sat back down, floored by the question that he had never dared to ask before. They sat there together, throughout the night of the new moon. And as the dusk began to encroach upon the hours of darkness, chasing them away with its rays of light, Kagome answered him with a little bit of the truth – the part that he wanted to hear. It was the only kindness that she could do for him; to say that once upon a time, they had shared an equal love._

_"Because he retains everything of what you used to be."_

_A haunted expression was etched into Inuyasha's features as he watched her progress. His whisper followed Kagome's footsteps with a measure of the truth as he saw it._

_"It's because you love him."_

Part II: Sesshoumaru 

Inuyasha waited until he could no longer hear Kagome's light footsteps before finally acknowledging the person who had been standing guard over them all evening.

"Aniki," he called out softly, fully aware that the other could hear him clearly. "You can come out now."

A tall shadow separated itself from the receding darkness. "How long have you been aware of my presence?"

"From the beginning," he said, irritated that even after all this time such a simply worded question was still able to get a rise out of him. "I'm human now, not stupid."

Sesshoumaru's left eyebrow arched a little higher than its usual elegant curve. "I have not thought of you as stupid in a long while, Inuyasha. You presume too much. As usual."

Strained silence, laden with violence, made the air thicken ominously. A leaf fluttered to the ground in that emotional fog as Sesshoumaru approached his seated brother, drifting from side to side in the motion of a mother's arms as she lulled her baby into peaceful slumber. Inuyasha watched listlessly as Sesshoumaru's well-shod heel came down and crushed the green leaf into sappy pulp. His brother never even noticed the carnage in his wake.

"Why are you here? Did you come to gloat?" Inuyasha forced his shallow breathing to even out. He clenched his teeth, almost biting his tongue in the process. "Does it make you happy to see me like this?"

Sesshoumaru crossed his arms. He looked imposing, standing so tall and straight-backed. Looming over his brother with every physical and psychological advantage in plain view. "Don't be ridiculous, Inuyasha. Such pettiness is unbecoming."

Inuyasha glared at him. A spark of fire flared in his violet eyes, returning them to life and vaporizing the pool of tears that had gathered since Kagome's departure.

"I can't wait until the day someone brings you down to your knees, Sesshoumaru. I hope they make you feel powerless and vulnerable. I hope they knock you off of that damned pedestal you imagine yourself standing on. And when you fall," Inuyasha whispered, "I want to be there to witness it all happen."

Frustrated and tired beyond measure, Inuyasha curled the fingers of his right hand into a tight fist and pounded the ground beneath him. Had he still been a hanyou, had he retained his claws, strength and speed, Sesshoumaru had no doubt that Inuyasha would have gone on a destructive rampage through the forest. But beating the earth and uprooting age-old trees would not ease the hurt so evident in Inuyasha's body language.

And Sesshoumaru – a being so well reputed and feared for his ruthlessness, for his cold-hearted and merciless nature – felt the unexpected and unwelcome stirrings of sympathy, tinged with remorse, and coated in a thick layer of guilt. Sympathy because he had once felt the same consuming frustration and hopelessness; remorse because he was the ultimate cause of Inuyasha's pain; and guilt because he was blessed even as Inuyasha suffered. And although he sympathized with his brother, Sesshoumaru would not have traded places with him for all of the power in the world.

They were bound by blood: he and Inuyasha. Forever tied to each other in the way that only family could be. Yet he would not have spared Inuyasha any of his pain. Not at the price of his own happiness. He had fought too long and hard to earn his peace of spirit. Inuyasha thought that he had never been brought to his knees. His little brother was wrong.

He, the great Lord Sesshoumaru, had been knocked off of his pedestal long ago. In the past he had been humbled… by a mere human… brought low by jealousy and insecurity, emotions to which he had thought himself immune. The irony of it all was that Kagome had never known of his inner turmoil until the day he finally snapped from the roiling emotions and turned their simple, undemanding friendship on its ear. That day had been his downfall, true, but if he were given the opportunity to turn back time and change what happened, Sesshoumaru knew that he would do the exact same thing again. There simply was no other option. Either he would forever alter the course of their relationship and risk losing her trust and companionship, or live the rest of his days in loneliness and despair, wondering what might have been. He had had enough of bitter regret to last him many lifetimes over.

Sesshoumaru contemplated revealing all of this to Inuyasha as his brother struggled to regain his composure. At one time he would have sneered and ridiculed Inuyasha for being weak. Now, he understood. But the truth remained that his unyielding pride would not permit him to reveal any personal weaknesses to anyone. No one, at least, save Kagome. So Inuyasha would have to live with yet another misconception about his brother: that Sesshoumaru had never known humility.

"You will never see that day come, Inuyasha. Your blood runs thin. Now you are still in your fragile youth, but soon you will reach your prime, and from then your middle years." Sesshoumaru saw Inuyasha set his face in stone and nearly applauded his fortitude in the face of harsh reality. "It will not be very long before your strength starts to fail you, as will your senses. And then what?" He asked rhetorically. "What will you do, Inuyasha, when you start to die?"

Inuyasha stared back at his brother, silently fascinated by the capacity Sesshoumaru had for inflicting thoughtful, calculated cruelty. "And what do you care, Aniki?" He stressed the last word in mockery of the respect and adoration he had once held for Sesshoumaru as a child. "Would it faze you in the slightest to see me wither away while you remain youthful and untouched? Would it bother you that we never really knew each other, as brothers should? Would it hurt you," Inuyasha asked, "to watch me die and feel the loss of blood-kin? Or are you going to just sit back and be as unmoved and cold as ever?"

Sesshoumaru did not respond.

Then… Inuyasha said the one thing that was guaranteed to galvanize Sesshoumaru into feeling, guaranteed to shatter that cool composure.

"And what will happen when Kagome also dies?"

"Shut up."

"What?" Inuyasha did a half shrug, raising his palms up in a placating manner. "Surely you didn't forget that your wife is also human?"

"Shut. Up. Inuyasha." Sesshoumaru snarled.

This time it was Inuyasha who was calm, for he had already come to terms with his short lifespan while Sesshoumaru had pushed aside the disturbing thought of losing his wife to time.

Inuyasha saw the shadows in Sesshoumaru's amber eyes and understood his brother's turmoil. He said a little more gently, "She's going to die eventually, Sesshoumaru. Accept it."

"I will NOT accept it!" Sesshoumaru spun away, paced to calm his racing heart. "She won't die," he said more evenly. "Her powers are greater than any other being's I have ever seen. They will sustain her. Kagome won't die like the rest of the human race. She has barely aged these many years."

"But neither will she live as long as you."

"She will," Sesshoumaru stated unequivocally. His conviction was indisputable, as always. If Sesshoumaru said that the sun would not rise, then by all that was holy it would not.

Inuyasha smiled sadly and said just as surely, "No, she won't."

This time Sesshoumaru did not withhold his anger. In a streaking flash of white and red he had Inuyasha pinned to the Old God Tree precisely where he had been imprisoned for fifty years. Inuyasha did not flinch at his brother's violence. He had been expecting it. In fact, he felt that it was well deserved. It was unforgivable of him to have brought up the sensitive subject of Kagome's humanity.

Sesshoumaru's irises were translucent and his fangs were bared, but the blue crescent and red slashes on his pale face remained unmoving. He had not lost control. Not yet. Inuyasha clutched at the hand circling his throat in an iron grip, pulled ineffectually at the locked fingers to get enough room so that he could gain a shallow breath. In the end, the only reason he was able to do so was because Sesshoumaru did not intend to kill him. His brother loosened his hold just enough so that Inuyasha could breathe – 'just enough' because Sesshoumaru's hold remained constricting enough to make breathing a strained effort.

Inuyasha tried to smile through his blurry oxygen-deprived vision, but suspected that it came out closer to a grimace. "That is the price you pay, Aniki. I paid my price for humanity by losing her; you pay your price for immortality by losing her. In the end, we both lose, don't we? How does it feel, Lord Sesshoumaru, to know that for all of your immense power you cannot save the one dearest to you? To know that you are the strongest, most feared and respected being in the world, and yet you are powerless in the one thing that matters to you."

Sesshoumaru smiled. Inuyasha could think of few other things that could be more terrifying than Sesshoumaru's icy smile as he held his life in his hands. His brother had always been able to induce fear in his victims better than anyone else he had ever met.

Sesshoumaru leaned close and whispered into Inuyasha's ear. "What makes you think that I cannot, brother dear? What makes you think that death can defeat me?"

"You think that Tenseiga can bring her back to life?" Inuyasha countered. "Well, maybe it can. But it won't bring back her youth and vitality. Would you have Kagome live eternally as an old woman, Sesshoumaru? Or were you thinking of using the Shikon no Tama's power to make her youkai?" Inuyasha asked shrewdly. "You know as well as I do that Kagome wouldn't want either to happen. She would no more use the jewel for herself than she would have given it over to Naraku and Kikyou."

"And you are correct, Inuyasha. Kagome has never been selfish." Sesshoumaru acknowledged. "But that does not mean that I am not."

Inuyasha narrowed his eyes and said, "You wouldn't risk alienating her by making her angry." Then he added thoughtfully, "And you respect her too much to do anything behind her back."

"You think too highly of me, Inuyasha." Sesshoumaru released his hold. He watched Inuyasha rub his sore throat and roll his shoulders to relieve the tension that had built from being pressed against the rough bark of the tree. "When it comes to her, I will use any means necessary to keep her alive. And… you think too little of Kagome. Her capacity for forgiveness is limitless."

Inuyasha uttered a harsh, sudden laugh. "Limitless?"

Sesshoumaru watched the sun rise. "Yes, limitless."

"Then why, Aniki," Inuyasha bit out through a throat made tight only partly from its former imprisonment, "did she leave me?"

"She told you why," Sesshoumaru said more gently than was wont.

Inuyasha followed his gaze as rays of red-gold cascaded over the patchwork of fields visible through sky-high trees, lighting every plant and blade of grass along the way, casting shadows after the light.

"Yes," he murmured. "She told me why."

"You don't believe her?" There was a hint of growling menace in Sesshoumaru's quiet tone, a warning that Inuyasha not trespass on Kagome's honor.

Inuyasha wondered what would happen if he were to step up to that threat and say he did not believe Kagome's word. Would Sesshoumaru show some mercy and put him out of his miserable non-existence?

"Then what do you not understand, Inuyasha?"

Inuyasha walked a little further away. He could feel the annoyed impatience rolling off of his brother in waves – how like Sesshoumaru that was, to be annoyed by another's ignorance. Inuyasha remembered feeling hurt by that impatience so many times. Feeling embarrassed because he had to ask for an explanation, for guidance, instead of instantly comprehending like Sesshoumaru was able to. It came as no surprise that a little bit of that embarrassment returned to Inuyasha as he heard the short, clipped question. He almost resented Sesshoumaru for that awkward feeling.

"I loved her so much, Aniki. Risked life and limb for her over and over again. I would have sacrificed everything for her…" Inuyasha murmured. "I _did_ give up everything for her," he suddenly added hotly. "But in the end she chose to be with you."

Confusion. Bewilderment.

"With you!" Inuyasha jabbed an accusing finger at him.

Betrayal.

Inuyasha felt the bile rise in his throat as old, unresolved feelings emerged. "The one person I couldn't hate for stealing her away. If it had been Kouga, I could have handled it. If it had been that human boy from her time, I would have said that she wasn't meant to be in this time. If it had been ANYONE else!" Inuyasha breathed heavily. "I would have been able to get over it… But it was you."

Resentment.

"Why?"

Anguish.

"Why is it," Inuyasha asked, "that you get everything, and I get nothing?"

Sesshoumaru couldn't bear to look at his brother's grief stricken face any longer. Now it was his turn to put distance between them.

"Not even crumbs with which to sustain me, Aniki."

The words, when they came, were measured: tested for their appropriateness before being spoken. They were nowhere close to his usual succinctness.

"Some people in this world seem to be gifted with every blessing possible to man or demon, while others… are cursed. But we all suffer. Life is neither easy nor kind. Anyone who says that either has not lived life to the fullest or is deluding himself.

"You probably will not believe me, but at one time I also thought as you do. I thought that everyone else's lives were so much simpler, so much easier than mine. Why did I have to be tested at every turn? Why did I have to fight for what was rightfully mine?

"But then I realized…"

Inuyasha stared in mute wonder at Sesshoumaru's trembling hand and waited for him to finish his thought.

"I realized that if I wanted anything, then I had to fight for it. I had to sacrifice for it just like everyone else. What I didn't see for all of those years was that everyone had to make sacrifices in order to be happy. You make decisions, and what you choose will open one window of opportunity while simultaneously closing off the paths that would lead to other possibilities. And when you make a decision… there is no turning back, Inuyasha. You can keep asking "What if?" and keep regretting your decision for your entire lifetime, but neither of these things will change the choice you made.

"Once you take that path, you have to make the best of it. When you fell to Naraku's deceit and battled with Kikyou, you made the decision that she wasn't trustworthy after all. You gave up on her, as she gave up on you. The result was her death and your enchanted sleep. Fifty years later, Kagome freed you. You could have chosen right then and there to end her life, but you did not. For which I am eternally grateful to you." Sesshoumaru paused. He was more tired than he could ever remember being. By sheer stubborn willpower he forced himself to continue.

"It was your choice from the very beginning, Inuyasha. Kagome would have stayed by your side. Her love was there for everyone to see. But you were so wrapped up in that damned corpse," he spat. Years past and he was still angry on Kagome's behalf… "You never noticed how much you hurt her until it was too late. So don't blame her or me for what you've lost. You did it to yourself. You didn't have faith in Kikyou and you were too blind to see that you were blessed with unconditional love from Kagome. You chose your own path, Inuyasha, no one else."

Sesshoumaru's sensitive ears twitched as the birds woke with the dawn and began their morning song. Inuyasha turned away to discreetly swipe at his damp cheeks.

"But I am sorry…"

Inuyasha's eyes widened. He spun around, heedless of his tear tracks. "What did you say?"

Amber and violet met, clashed, held.

"I taught you distrust…" Sesshoumaru almost seemed to be lost in his thoughts. "If I had shown you even a little bit of kindness, then maybe you would have learned to have faith in people, to trust people. But I did not, and therefore you _could_ not. So some of the blame for your life falls on me. I will regret that for the rest of my days."

"You…" Inuyasha was a little dizzy. The world had just tilted ninety-degrees on its axis. "You feel responsible, Aniki?"

With a flick of his wrist a cloud formed midair. Sesshoumaru stepped onto it. "I have always been responsible for you, little brother."

"Sesshoumaru!" Inuyasha raised a hand to shield his eyes from the glaring light. It promised to be a sunny day.

"What is it?" The characteristic edginess had returned.

"Why were you here?"

"I could not let her come alone, Inuyasha. As much as I can see that you still love her, I will not take any undue risks where Kagome is concerned."

Perception made Inuyasha's gaze sharp. "Then why didn't you leave with Kagome?"

For one brief instant, the unfiltered morning light made Inuyasha's black hair glow white and his violet eyes glint with a golden sheen.

Sesshoumaru said coolly, "You aren't the only one plagued with regrets, Inuyasha."

[End Part II]

**Definitions:**

**ANIKI**:  Elder brother. Refers to one's own older brother. Unlike "Oniisan" which is a more generic term that can be used to address or in reference to any older, but not quite old enough to be a generation removed, male. Aniki is only for your own older brother; Oniisan is for any older male within your age group, including cousins. Also, Oniisan is used in reference to another person's older brother(s).

**Author's Notes:**

_October 8, 2002._

Oh… my…

I have no clue where this came from. @_@ I was in the process of rereading my fanfics (helps with continuity and storyline cohesion)… suddenly I started typing for all my worth after rereading this old relic from 2000.

Like with my other fanfics, I like to keep the Japanese to a minimum since I'm writing in English. ^^; However, when it comes to addressing people, I will use the Japanese suffix as well as titles in families and terms such as youkai and hanyou. Reason being, translating these terms will often result in (a) losing the intended connotations or, (b) adding unwanted connotations to the words.

For example, with the words "youkai" and "demon": The term youkai is often translated into demon in English. However, because western religions attach evil, Satan, immorality, etc. to the word "demon" I do not like to use this translation. The word youkai does often refer to dark beings, and yes sometimes they are evil. However, evil and immorality are not always present in youkai. Oftentimes youkai are simply wild creatures that have unusual (by human standards at least -_-;) powers/abilities, or are playful pranksters such as kitsune (fox spirits). This all depends on the story/fable you are reading, of course, but you get my drift.

I think Sesshoumaru is pretty much in character… Well… in character with how I've portrayed him in Prelude and Full Circle, that is. I hope that no one sees Inuyasha as pitiful in this fic. He isn't meant to be. I think that he's confused and feeling betrayed more than anything else. How much worse can your love life get than having your significant other hook up with your sibling? Ooh, the drama. ^_^;

So… what do you think? Please submit a review and let me know.

If you want to know about updates to any of my fanfics, please join the updates mailing list.

Shun'u


	3. Kagome

Title: Cycles of the Moon

Author: Shun'u [shunu@fanfiction.net]

Series: Inuyasha

Genre: Angst/AU/Drama

Rating: PG

Disclaimer: All Inuyasha characters and original storyline are the creation of, and © to Rumiko Takahashi, and subsequent parties. "Cycles of the Moon" is the creation of my demented mind, and © Shun'u Hanashiro 2000-2002.

Author's Note: Alternate Universe Ending to "Full Circle". By popular demand… and my own curiosity as to how this will turn out… I've continued the "What if?" scenario into a 3rd part. Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to write a review or email. I really appreciate all of the positive feedback. It's great encouragement. When I first wrote this fic, I never thought that it would be so well received.

****

**C Y C L E S • O F • T H E • M O O N**

An Inuyasha Fanfiction

By: Hanashiro, Shun'u

**Part III: Kagome**

Regret.

The word echoed in the confines of Sesshoumaru's mind as he set about the monotonous task of maintaining the estate records. The job could have been delegated to any one of his minor retainers, but the youkai lord preferred to see to the chore personally; he firmly believed that the key to being a successful landowner and ruler was through knowledge of one's own economic and political standing. Normally he was able to complete his work efficiently. Single-mindedly. Today, he could not stop thinking about Inuyasha and the role he had played in shaping his half-brother's life.

Permanently imprinted…

Sesshoumaru's lips twisted in self-aimed derision. He had been weighed down with regret for so long now that the sentiment seemed to be a part of him, something that he could no longer separate from. The first time he had experienced it was when his father had died. The second time was when Inuyasha had fallen under Kikyou's arrow. The third time…

He gave up on working and slammed his hands down on the table.

The scroll of names and duties curled and snapped shut with the sharp clap that only thick, quality paper could produce. Sesshoumaru left the roll of parchment teetering on the edge of the low table as he went in search of his wife of nine years. During times like this she was the only one capable of soothing his inner demons and bringing him peace.

***

"Kagome."

Kagome let out a startled shriek and tried to grab onto something solid as she accidentally tipped the wooden stepstool she was standing on. The vase she had been attempting to place on the tall armoire slipped from her fingers. Kagome squeezed her eyelids shut in anticipation of a hard fall for herself and a crash of porcelain for the priceless teal and gold vase.

Neither came.

Before either event could occur, a muscular arm caught her about the waist while the vase harmlessly landed in a ready, outstretched hand.

"You should take more care, wife."

"Se- Sesshoumaru!" Kagome's eyes shot open and she twisted around to bat at her husband's shoulders with hands balled into tight fists. Her heart drummed out an erratic series of sharp staccatos. "Don't sneak up on me like that! You nearly scared me to death."

Sesshoumaru easily placed the vase where Kagome wanted it to be and freed his right hand so that he could wrap both around her slim waist. Even standing on the step she was shorter than him by a good four inches, placing her eyes level with his chin. It never failed to amaze him, how many hues of blue her irises could shift into before finally deciding on one color in any given moment.

"I was not sneaking," he said quietly. His gaze briefly lowered to glare at the offensive piece of wood she continually, stubbornly, refused to throw away. "And what have I told you about using that old stepstool?" Seeing the obstinate angle of her jaw, Sesshoumaru's arms increased the strength of their hold. "Kagome…"

Ignoring the warning tone, she sniffed and crossed her arms as well as she could while trapped in his embrace. She said a little huffily, "I was perfectly fine until you startled me, Sesshoumaru."

His lips tightened into a straight line of disapproval. "Look at me."

Kagome stared at some distant point over his shoulder.

He growled low in his throat, the rumbling sound passing through the thin barrier of their clothing so that Kagome could feel the vibrations in her forearms where they were crushed against his chest and in her belly where she was pressed against his torso. Abruptly his arms released their hold and Kagome suddenly found her hands behind her back, held there by his one-handed hold on them. The other hand gently lowered her chin.

"I said look at me, wife."

Instead of complying, as any wise person would do in her position…

Kagome… ignored him.

_Always pushing my buttons, aren't you, little kitten? _Sesshoumaru bit back the grin trying to make itself known – she knew he hated repeating himself – and frowned forbiddingly. He waited; Kagome could never endure his silences for very long. Her resistance would eventually break down enough for her to give an explanation.

"I need the step," she finally said, "In case you haven't noticed, Sesshoumaru, this place was built around the idea that its inhabitants would be your height. I don't happen to be that tall."

He refrained from telling Kagome that the bridge of her nose crinkled when she scowled. It made her look extremely young and… absolutely adorable.

"And besides…" She darted a shy glance towards him. "The flowers were in full bloom this morning. I thought that the rooms could use a little cheering up."

Instantly his resolve to hold his ground disintegrated, and yet worry compelled him to scold her. "You should have found me instead of trying to reach so high on your own, Kagome. You could have easily fallen and hurt yourself," he pressed his right palm against her still flat belly, "or the baby."

Flustered, Kagome ducked her head. All of her ill temper evaporated at hearing the unadulterated awe in his voice. An unbidden heat crept up Kagome's neck and spread throughout her body. It was like she was a teenager again instead of a twenty-five year old woman and expectant mother.

"I-" She coughed and fervently prayed that her cheeks had returned to their normal color. "I wouldn't have taken that chance, Sesshoumaru."

He stroked her flushed cheek with his fingertips, saw his wife's cheeks bloom even more vividly than before. "You should be resting. One of the servants could have arranged the flowers for you."

"It isn't that much work," Kagome insisted.

He hummed low in his throat. "Except that you woke up early. Went out to find the flowers. Gathered the flowers. Clipped the-"

An index finger placed against his lips stopped his strange ramblings mid-sentence. Kagome knew her husband; he was not one to waste words. Compassion and understanding radiated from the very core of her being.

"What is the matter, Anata?"

…From her very essence…

"Tell me." She gently urged. "What's troubling you?"

…From her profound heart…

He sighed and pulled her close for a hug. Over a decade ago he would not have initiated such an embrace. Physical contact was something abhorrent and to be avoided at all costs, even if the contact was simple and harmless.

But now…

Breathing in her delicate sun-kissed scent…

Feeling the skin warmed from her morning exertions…

He wondered. Why had he ever thought such a ludicrous thing?

Sesshoumaru dropped his weary head to rest against her shoulder. And Kagome's simple response, the way her slight arms wrapped in silent, unquestioning acceptance around his shoulders, made him happier than any impassioned declaration of love could have done.

"I have been thinking about Inuyasha."

Kagome laid a kiss on the crown of his moon-white head. "Which explains your heartfelt sighs."

The feel of his silky hair was so familiar, yet still so indescribable. Kagome watched the liquid strands slip through her fingers. And waited. He would continue when he was ready to speak.

"I wronged him, Kagome."

Unwelcome tears formed and gathered on the bottom rim of her eye. They threatened to spill over thick, dark lashes. "Sesshoumaru…"

"Things could have been different for him. If I had been there when he needed me, if I had been kinder, if I-"

"Stop it," she said.

Sesshoumaru lifted his head to gaze fully into her distressed face. "I abandoned him when he needed me most." Regret was like a razor-sharp knife stabbing deep into his flesh; only this knife could inflict damage that no weapon ever could.

"You came back!"

Hot anger came out of the blue. The color seeped out of Kagome's eyes until a thin rim of black circled her flashing silver-blue irises. It was during times like this that Jaken would comment that Kagome's eyes changed the same way Sesshoumaru's did when he was driven to anger.

"You came back and saved his life when it mattered, Sesshoumaru," she argued. "It isn't like Inuyasha was without options. He wasn't forced into doing anything that he didn't want to. Naraku tricked him and Kikyou tricked him more than once, yes, but it was _his_ choice to believe the lies. If Inuyasha made mistakes, then he did them on his own, so don't you dare take the blame for what his life is like now."

The unblemished skin of his face pulled taut over fine cheekbones. "I _am_ partly to blame."

She snapped. "And so is he!"

The sound of labored breathing was all that could be heard in the otherwise silent bedroom. Sesshoumaru's jaw began to ache. At great cost, he forced his mouth to give voice to the thought that had been haunting him all morning.

"You should have been his."

The fierce glare disappeared. Not a trace of her fiery, indomitable spirit could be found as Kagome's face crumpled.

"Is that what you think? Is that what this is all about?" She somehow asked through a throat gone dry and hoarse.

"I don't deserve the happiness you bring me," he whispered.

And just that easily his will to continue was subjugated by her tears. Sesshoumaru cupped her face with unstable hands. He never could endure her suffering.

"Don't cry. Please don't cry, Kagome."

A disquieting fear took hold of him. In his mind's eye, each teardrop that managed to trickle past her cheeks was a strike against his immortal soul. It became imperative for him to stop the steady flow of salty droplets. Never releasing his wife, Sesshoumaru rained almost frantic kisses across her cheeks and upon her eyelids. In each tear that he lapped he tasted her sorrow as well as his.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm sorry."

When her crying only increased, he became a little desperate. Mindless to everything else, he focused all of his energy on comforting his wife. Murmuring the little nothings that he had learned – somewhere along the course of their improbable courtship – she liked to hear.

Little by little the kisses drifted toward her soft mouth as he followed the natural curve of her cheeks. And as he moved further along the delicate line of her jaw, as her sobs quieted into little hiccups, the nature of his kisses changed as well.

"I didn't mean to upset you," he said, brushing his lips over hers. "Don't pay any attention to my insanity, sweetheart."

Kagome sniffed and nodded, blinking away the residual moisture. "I know you didn't. It's just…" Frustrated by her inability to articulate as well as he, she blurted out, "You're not responsible for everything in the world, Sesshoumaru!"

"I know that."

Kagome stiffened at the obvious amusement in his tone. She pulled away to frown up at him. "What's so funny?"

Sesshoumaru hauled her back into his arms.

"You." He massaged her tense neck with nimble fingers.

"Me." He strengthened his hold to tilt her face up, and nip the tip of her nose.

"Us." He kissed her soft, soft lips.

Now it was not Kagome who needed the comforting, but he. Sesshoumaru had never expressed how much her crying upset him. Nevertheless, Kagome understood. When she became pliant and allowed his hands to mold her body to his, he realized that Kagome knew him better than he knew himself; in the calm that came after their storm of raging emotions, he needed some comforting too.

He needed her.

"I realize that I'm not solely responsible for what has happened to Inuyasha's life, Kagome." He placed a gentle kiss on her rosy cheek before releasing her. "But that does not absolve me of all guilt. I _did_ play a large role, and it is only now that I fully see just how much I damaged him."

Kagome smiled sadly. "And so did I, Anata. So did Kikyou, Naraku, and, yes, Inuyasha's mother and your father. We all helped to shape Inuyasha into what he is today, but none of us more so than himself. So you can keep beating yourself up and letting the guilt eat at you, but know this: if Inuyasha wants to make anything out of his life, then _he_ has to do it. No one else can do it for him."

Sesshoumaru gently dislodged her arms from around his waist. Lifting her hands to his face, he kissed the inside of one wrist, and then the other. "You are too kind."

She shook her head. "No, I'm not. If I were, I wouldn't be so hard on him."

"Ah, but you are," he disagreed. "Honesty is what he needs most after all of the deceit he has been victim to in his young life. You, Kagome, are the only person strong enough to give it with love and compassion. Do you have any idea how amazing that is? That you should be capable of such forgiveness after all of the wrongs he has done you?" 

Molten amber intensified. "Do you understand just how precious such selfless giving is in this world?"

[**End** | **Cycles of the Moon** | **Part III: Kagome**]

**Definitions:**

**Anata:** You. However, coming from a wife to her husband, this can be translated into an endearment such as "darling" or "dear." The same does not apply the other way around. Unfortunately we live in a double standard world. -_-;

**Author's End Notes:**

Oh boy… I think that's the end of "Cycles of the Moon". At last! Hmm… like I said, I never meant to resurrect this fic. It was supposed to be a one-shot with just that first part. There goes _that_ idea. ^^; I hope you all enjoyed reading it. Although this fic does fall under "angst" and "drama" I would like to think that even people who don't normally read these genres found something worthwhile in this story.

Until later,

**_Shun'u_**

_Email:_ h_shunu@hotmail.com -or- shunu@fanfiction.net

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